Marriages do not last long before getting a dramatic ending. To most men who ended up divorcing, the dawn dawned softly and gradually. It was not necessarily a conflict but about a space or silence or even emotional exhaustion. In retrospect, most of them trace a certain change to when they realised that things could no longer be fixed. These meditations are not so much to blame as to be aware.
Affective Detachment Became Usual
Some of the men remember that emotional conversations gradually faded away. Critical ideas were not shared with anybody. The kind of relationship started to become functional and not personal. As time went on, this emotional distance seemed to be here to stay and not a temporary event.
Silence Felt Easier Than Talking
It was not necessarily about arguments. The fact that there was no discussion in most instances spoke volumes. It was easy not to talk about it instead of talking about it. When effort was substituted by silence, it was an indication that there was a weakening of the connection.
Small Efforts Stopped Mattering
Produced gestures that had been appreciated started to dissipate. Birthdays, day in and day out, or common routines became irrelevant. Of significance was the lack of response to this change. It implied that there was no longer mutual investment.
Feeling Alone While Together
Attending in person but having no feelings was a usual thing. Men complained that they always feel isolated, even in the same room. Friendship was missed even in otherwise mundane times. The reality was even more difficult to ignore due to that loneliness.
Conflicts Repeated Without Resolution
Others observed that the same discord had been re-emerging without improvement. Problems were accepted but never addressed. Eventually, hope was substituted with repetition. That tendency made people emotionally drained instead of being motivated to change something.
No Curiosity about the Lives of each other
The curiosity to know what the other one was doing faded away. Discussions turned superficial and functional. Thoughts and feelings were not much inquired about. That disconnect was like a pure indication of disconnection.
Future Plans No Longer Include “Us”
Some of the men had come to the realisation that they had ceased to envision a common future. Personal plans became individual and not mutual. There was no consultation in decision-making. Such a change was an expression of more intense emotional distance.
Relief Replaced Sadness
Some found themselves feeling strangely relieved at the moments when they were not together. They did not miss the relationship but felt lighter. It was a perplexing yet eye-opening emotional reaction. It depicted the sense of how a strain had been silently accumulated.
Effort Felt One-Sided
Several of them talked about attempting to do things on their own. There was no reciprocation in the counselling suggestions, communication attempts or compromises. The discrepancy became demotivating with time. That absence of mutual effort was conclusive.
Respect Began to Erode
Respect was killed by disregarding or being unconcerned. It was a feeling of being ignored or underestimated. This change was even observable without open hostility. Once there was a loss of respect, rebuilding trust became hard.
Acceptance Replaced Hope
Hope changed to acceptance at one time. Men explained that they understood that the result of hard work would not be different. This was a quiet and not dramatic moment. Acceptance was more about being clear than losing.
Relationship Feeling Complete
Others commented that the marriage had just expired. Not an angry one, but an emotionally closed one. The relationship had ceased growing and developing. The realisation of this caused a sense of finality.
